Past Dating Experience - Is It Relevant?

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By jasbina-ahluwalia on 04 Apr 2014

Question:

I have been dating a great guy whom I care about for the past couple of months, and I think it has potential.

I don't know how many relationships he's had in the past, and even though it won't affect how I feel about him, I would like to have at least a ballpark figure.

I want to know if I need to let him take things slowly because he might be a little inexperienced or if he's had a lot of dating experience. I’m thinking that by knowing his dating past, it will give me a decent sense of his mindset at this point.

So, assuming it’s a worthwhile thing to do at this point, how exactly should I go about figuring out his past dating experience?

Answer:

I’m happy to hear you’re dating a guy whom you care about. In my opinion, his past does not appear particularly relevant at this point.

What is relevant with respect to a potential future with this guy is:

Whether he is meeting your expectations for the stage of relationship you are currently in.
Are you happy with the way you feel when the two of you are together, the level of exclusivity of the relationship, the amount of time you spend together and the level of interest he shows in you?
Also, are you aware of each other’s “deal breakers” — anything at this time that may ultimately make it difficult for the relationship to continue moving forward?

If you can answer “yes” to these questions and are content with the pace of the relationship, I suggest focusing on the present, continuing to enjoy the relationship unfolding and regularly expressing to your guy how much fun you’re having with him.

The more he feels like his life is better with you in it, the more invested he will be in the relationship.

On the other hand, if you — not your friends or family — are starting to feel anxious or dissatisfied with the pace at which the relationship is proceeding, it is important for you to be honest and upfront with your partner about your feelings.

Don’t start a conversation at a time you feel anxious or frustrated, but rather at a time you feel comfortable expressing yourself with a confident and positive tone.
Do not expect him to read your mind about your expectations for a future together, and do not attempt to read his mind.
Additionally, do not be afraid of expressing your dissatisfaction for fear of “rocking the boat” or your anxiety and frustration could build up until you just can’t stand it anymore and you unleash your pent-up frustration on your partner.

Also remember that when you express your feelings, you must be fully open to the possibility that your partner might not share your expectations.

Your role in a relationship is not about attempting to convince your boyfriend that you are right.

It is instead to respect yourself and him enough to listen to each other’s feelings and expectations and feel empowered to determine whether your expectations are similar enough that you can continue investing in the relationship.

_____

What do you think?

Do you think past dating experience is relevant? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

_____

By Jasbina Ahluwalia +
The uniqueness of Intersections Match comes from the life experiences of its Founder, Jasbina Ahluwalia. As a former practicing lawyer who also holds a graduate degree in philosophy, Jasbina can relate first-hand to the demands and challenges facing her accomplished clients.
Article: Past Dating Experience - Is It Relevant?